Peripartum Cardiomyopathy

Is that a mouth full or what?
Lets start at teh beginning. durring my last trimester with Bizy I started having this emmense chest heavyness, coupled with intense chest pain where I felt like I had been hit in the chest. I just shrugged it off, but with each pregnancy following hers it has gotten worse, to the point that it does this when I am not pregnant as well.
Well this last week it has been happening ALOT. I would say two to three times a day. It will last for a couple hours then goes away leaving me extremly weak, and with severe migraines. So after my midwife appointment with Jules yesterday, and telling her what was going on she said I needed to go see a Dr. about it and get it checked out beacuse it was worring her. So I made a call in to an old family friend and Cardiologist.
According to what he found, he thinks I have peripartum cardiomyopathy coupled with Rhythmetic Discrepancies, basically the heart muscle is slowly constricting and tightening, causing my heart to pump less blood, and the thumping chest pain is when my heart is trying to catch up and get more blood to my body. Pregnancy aggrivates the problem due to increase blood supply, and with each subsucuent pregnancy it is getting worse.
I made the mistake of googling the condition and scared myself, as the prognosis isnt good if you keep having pregnancies.
I go in on the 15th of May for testing to see how bad it is. Tow thing are dependant on these results, both of which sadden me. First, if it is severe, I will most likely risk out of Homebirth, which I want to do SO bad. Though I did tell Jules that technically I had this with Matthew as well and I did fine, she said she would take that into consideration, but if it is bad then she would have to risk me out. Second, chances are that this is my last pregnancy. I am SO sad. We were not neccarily planning on having anymore, but the idea of NOT being able to if I want to makes me SO sad.
This is alot to handle right now, I feel like a horrible mother, as I am SO weak I can hardly lift my baby, and I am very tired. I am praying that it all just goes away and that I will be fine when I wake up in the morning, but so far everymorning has brought another attack, followed by a day of weakness and worry.
Jules, Dr. Vincent and Jason all want me to go to the ER when I have an attack, as that is the best way to see what is going on, but it is hard, as jason is stucka t work on a project he HAS to get done, and with the kids I jsut dont have time. They all say that if I start having more attacks a day, or they get longer/harder that I need to go in asap, so I am playing it by ear and praying that it goes away. I dont want to deal with this right now.
Needless to say I am on basic bed rest, which SUCKS! I am trying to read alot of book to the kids while I can, and Keith and I will cuddle together in the afternoons and watch cartoons together, so atleast I feel that I am somewhat interacting with my kids. i feel like SUCH a horrib mother.

Thanks for listening to my self-pitty, I just need to get over it I suppose.